Setbacks are an inevitable part of work and life. Projects can go wrong, customers may complain, and big errors can be made. We will disappoint each other in big and small ways from time to time. It’s not just what happens that matters, but also how we deal with it, both individually and as a team. Your debriefing skills can make or break your team.
“I know it’s frustrating, but there’s nothing we can do about it. At the end of the day, we have to get on with it.”
I often hear these sentences or something similar. I completely understand the need to move forward, but we must also remember that while we can’t change what happened, we are human and these events impact us beyond just our jobs.
I first became aware of these invalidating statements when I worked in a customer service call centre for a German mobile phone provider. We were trained not to take the customers’ angry outbursts personally. How can one not take something personal when the customer shouts at me, the customer service agent? After all, the customer wasn’t shouting at a lifeless logo representing the company; they were yelling at me. One customer even threatened to ensure I would lose my job if I didn’t do as he said. I was deeply shaken after that call, even though I knew that I would never even hear about the customer’s complaint if he chose to pursue that route.
Debriefing such encounters with “it’s part of the job” or “don’t take it personally” is dehumanising. It reduces a person with values to a mere human resource fulfilling a function. Kevin Miller, Chief Humanity Officer of ApexHR, reiterates in many of his posts and articles that we are not human resources; we are human beings with hearts and a need to be heard, seen, and valued for who we are, not just for what we do.
How can you approach setbacks differently?
- Turn your focus away from the event and onto the people involved.
- Give people a chance to express themselves and be acknowledged.
- Recognise their values and consider how those values could be used to improve the team.
Turn your focus away from the event and onto the people involved
When we focus on things that happen, we often unconsciously concentrate only on behavioural outcomes and processes. The temptation to focus on analysing the events promises a quick way forward. However, this fixation causes us to lose sight of the need for a psychological transition each individual must go through to adapt to the next phase.
William Bridges said in Managing Transitions: ‘If you suppress the feelings and push people to get over them, you’ll be handicapped with people who never “mended.”’ He suggests that new beginnings start with endings. The key to successful debriefs is to help people become aware of the endings and discover that those endings provide the energy to move into new beginnings without violating our values in the first place. This leads to the next point.”
Empower people to express themselves and be acknowledged
When I ask managers what they believe is important to the individuals they oversee in a specific situation, they often assert a few things with unwavering certainty. However, this confidence has a significant downside. It can lead you to overlook the fact that the items on your list are merely assumptions. Acting on these assumptions without confirmation from the individuals themselves can potentially cause harm and damage your rapport with your team members.
To avoid this pitfall, it’s vital to recognise that the things you identify as important to others are likely your own values, not theirs. When you catch yourself imposing these values on others, pause and ask about what truly matters to them. Sometimes, people may need assistance articulating their values, and offering suggestions can help the individuals name their values. However, ensure that your suggestions are validated by the individual before you accept them as their actual values. From my experience, people often use my suggestions as a starting point to clarify their own values.
This approach is immensely powerful because it allows you to understand the deep-seated nature of those around you. When people are given the space to genuinely express their values, they will feel listened to and understood.
Validate, discern, utilise
When people share their values, it’s important to validate them. Then take the time to understand how those values could benefit the individual, the team, and yourself in the future. Utilising people according to their values is one of the greatest motivators. When you involve people according to their values, they feel highly appreciated because you give them the space to bring more to work than what is required in their job description.
Understanding the values of your team members also allows you to invest in their personal development in ways that are meaningful to them. This provides a deep sense of feeling heard and seen.
The above process has another benefit when used to debrief as a team. As people share their values, everyone else in the room has the chance to learn something about one another. This can lead to new collaborations. People will also use their values and skill sets to support each other, relieving you of the pressure to deal with everyone’s challenges.
Would you like to equip your team leaders with this approach? Schedule a free meeting today.
