I have heard it many times. People who try to mediate in a conflict situation often suggest that the parties involved need to learn to compromise. But just look at the concept of compromise. Compromise basically means that both parties have to sacrifice their position and values in order to meet at a place where none of them wants to be. Compromise is the place where everybody loses and no one wins.
I have learned a different way. Conflict is not about finding a compromise but about holding the tension. I have learned that two possible solutions can create an even better solution when you combine them. Instead of giving up myself and asking my wife to give up herself, we have learned to combine our differences and create a more complete and more powerful relationship.
Conflict is not about compromising, it is however about finding the best solution by holding and appreciating the tension of our differences.
I hope the following real-life examples help.
Example 1
Two employees had a massive row. The manager tried to help by getting them into the same room with him as a mediator. They could not resolve their dispute. The compromise they reached was to avoid each other unless necessary to fulfil their respective jobs.
Example 2
Almuth and I started a course with Emotional Logic. To learn using the tools we are encouraged to use them with each other.
The other day I found Almuth in the living room going through a few steps of the process alone. I was shocked that she had left me out as I wanted to be part of that process to learn something too. It went so far that I felt disconnected from her.
The next day I told her how I felt. Then she showed me what she had been up to and told me that she had felt unable to do it while I was present.
There you go, I feel we should do it together, and she feels unable to do it. However, when I opened up and allowed her to show me what she had come up with I saw something I had never seen—one of her most significant values is independence. Our time together was so valuable. I know without her independent time we would not have made the discoveries we’ve made together.
I know now that her independence can empower our time together. So I will learn to lower my expectation of teamwork and allow her independence to flourish because it enhances my value of teamwork.
We don’t compromise but learn to take full advantage of our respective values by aligning them.
