We live in a society which perceives conflicts as something bad or wrong. Therefore people search for help on how to avoid conflicts at work, in an organisation or within a team. And this used to be my approach too until I learned these rumbles have a value.
My change of mind started when my mentor said to my wife and me, that we don’t have enough conflicts in our relationship. Having been married for just a few weeks, this was indeed not what I hoped to hear. I sought harmony, not arguments. My goal was to have a peaceful relationship which would never have any conflicts.
Then I learned two things:
- Conflicts are unavoidable as they are mostly rooted in our different personalities. And being different is a good thing.
- Not the argument itself is bad but how I deal with it might be.
Our mentor taught us to raise conflicts pro-actively by opening up about disagreements the moment they arise. He showed us that we are different personalities and that this truth strengthens our marriage.
On my journey to loving our marital conflicts, I learned to love my wife more and more. I started to appreciate her as she is. No longer finding a compromise was essential but finding the best solution. I learned to love the tension of our differences and began to encourage her to be who she is and not who she thinks I want her to be. We learned that there are words that threaten the other partner even though they were not meant to be a threat.
Impact on my professional life
Of course, this journey impacted my professional life as well. I lost the need to fit in, instead, I looked to become a valuable team member by giving what I had to offer and who I was. I also loved my colleagues because they were different. Over time I found it increasingly easy to spot how they would compliment me. And I loved raising conflicts – sometimes to the dislike of my managers.
However, I was also able to help managers, and teams understand that conflicts are not always about power struggles and right or wrong. But they are often opportunities to get to know each other better, to deepen relationships and to learn how we can cover each other’s weaknesses and encourage each other’s strengths for the benefit of the team, the company and the customer.
Just imagine a team that can have conflicts peacefully and purposefully.
Just imagine a team where the members know each other well enough, so they play on each other’s strengths almost naturally.
Just imagine the creativity and innovation that would come from such a team.
How would your company look like?
