My article about The Toxic Label: Why It’s Time to Move Beyond Judging and Start Choosing Compassion encouraged several important comments on LinkedIn highlighting gaps in my article.
One user wrote, “I was empathic towards her needs. Guess what I received in return, termination!!!!”
A second wrote, “Some people are toxic. Supervisors, relatives- I have known people who are like gambling or taking drugs. You think it will make you better and you are left broke and unfulfilled. Walk away. You can forgive them. You can also never want to deal with them again.”
A third commented, “Easier said than done. Unfortunately, I cannot apply this theory when dealing with a narcissist or a misogynist. Sometimes we just need to move on.”
I love those comments because they helped me think about what compassion is and what it is not.
What is compassion?
Take a moment to look at this picture and observe that after opening one door, another closed door appears. For me, compassion is about opening my door and knocking on the door of the other person, offering to help with my resources if they choose to open their door. The most important aspect of this interaction is the element of choice. When I offer compassion, it is an unconditional act of my own accord, and the other person’s willingness to receive compassion is also their choice. The two doors in the picture represent boundaries, and if one of the doors is closed, we should respect that boundary.
When I come across someone who is suffering and I have the skills and resources to help, it can be difficult for me to accept when they refuse my help. However, I’ve come to realise that this emotional challenge is more about me than the other person. It goes against my values of generosity and care, which make me want to help and give. Additionally, knowing that I have the potential to make a difference adds to the challenge of dealing with boundaries.
The Importance of Respecting Choices
In the past, I used to see a closed door as a rejection and thought that the other person was making a stupid choice. I was unaware of my own internal conflicts and would blame the other person for making my life miserable by not accepting my offer. To avoid these negative feelings, I would try even harder to convince the person to accept my help. However, at this point, my compassion was no longer unconditional or genuine.
When we are not aware of OUR inner battles, we might try to knock harder and harder on the door. We might even consider using a sledgehammer to force our way in. We might also offer gifts in front of the door, hoping to convince the person to open it. However, these actions violate the other person’s choice and boundaries to keep their door shut. It is important to recognise that opening the door must be a voluntary choice for them. Any inner battles we face as a result of these choices are our responsibility to confront. Compassion is not a currency that allows us to purchase a desired outcome. It must be an unconditional gift that can only be given if the recipient is willing to receive it.
The Importance of Setting Boundaries in Compassion
Moreover, compassion requires boundaries. Often, when both doors are open, the giver may give more than they can afford, hoping for a quick change and ignoring their own limits. Once they become exhausted and unable to sustain their giving, they may become frustrated and blame the person they are trying to help. This is why compassion needs boundaries on the giver’s side. Self-care should always be a top priority, even if it means that you cannot give as much as you think is necessary. Failure to prioritise self-care can lead to a situation where you are unable to give at all, creating disappointment for both parties and potentially destroying the relationship. I believe that compassion without boundaries is one of the causes of compassion fatigue, burnout, and guilt trips.
Conclusion
For compassionate action, both parties have to choose to open their door.
Compassion cannot be forced.
Compassion needs firm boundaries.
