This pandemic that no-one anticipated rocked all our lives in almost every possible aspect – jobs, businesses, friendships, and families. I was fortunate to have been equipped for an emotional rollercoaster like this and was able to respond to this collective trauma constructively.
Yes, we are experiencing a collective trauma.
Out of the blue, a global pandemic confronted us, and we were not prepared for it. External powers such as governments and employers forced us to change in response. Without having the skills and the time to make sense of the change, we relied on our survival instincts. Driven by urgency, we tried to make quick adjustments to manage the chaos. Many of those adjustments were meant to be in place only temporarily – a few months. With this in mind, we mustered up the courage to endure this temporary chaos.
As we now know, the pandemic is not the short-term inconvenience we expected it to be. As a result, we are running out of steam to cope. Anxiety, stress, fear, depression, anger, and conflicts creep into what we hoped was our well-protected world.
So, how am I able to respond to the COVID-19 chaos constructively?
Let me turn back the clock by two and a half years because it was then when I learned to respond to the pandemic.
At the start of 2018, I crashed emotionally. Another of my dreams died as I walked away from an exciting business just before its launch. As before in similar situations, I couldn’t cope with all the emotions. I was 43 at the time, and I knew I needed help. I couldn’t go on like this without ripping apart everything else in my life.
That was when my mentor’s wife introduced me to Emotional Logic. In our first and only session, I wondered whether the fall of the Berlin Wall had anything to do with my repeatedly walking away from my dreams. That question started a transformation that I never anticipated.
Emotional Logic is a three-step method to deal with setbacks, disappointments, and other emotional turmoil. At its core is the idea of grief. Whenever you experience a setback, you also experience loss and, consequently, grief.
At step one, I made sense of my emotions. I named what I felt and learned that unpleasant emotions are not negative. Instead, they are useful guideposts, helping us adjust to change and providing us with the energy to come through the chaos.
At step two, I was encouraged to ask myself a question: This feels unpleasant, so what have I lost, or am I afraid of losing?
Within a few weeks of the session, I was able to identify three major losses that I experienced when the Berlin Wall came down: I lost my communist worldview, my dream career, and what I believed to be true about my family.
Those losses are far too complex to provide value. They are much more valuable when they are deconstructed. This deconstruction is called ‘naming hidden losses.’ In addition to the losses listed above, I also lost:
- Certainty
- Stability
- Safety
- Love
- Identity
- Purpose
- Self-worth
- Confidence
- Clarity of mind
- Truth
- Friends
- Feeling accepted
- Feeling heard
- Feeling connected
- Hope
- Trust in my ability I can live a dream
- Trust in education
- Trust in teachers
- Trust in parents
- Trust in politicians
- Trust in media
- Trust in friends
The above is a partial list. I hope you see how many things are impacted when we have a traumatic experience. Interestingly, the list of losses I’ve experienced during the pandemic and the lockdowns is quite similar. It would, however, also include:
- Ability to see friends
- Ability to travel
- Ability to visit family in Germany
- Ability to meet in big crowds
- Income
- Financial security
- Original business strategy
For you, the list is likely very different because you value different things. Take a reading break and make a list of things you have lost during the pandemic.
Losses are things you value.
The beauty of the loss list is that it is a list of personal values that are violated by the underlining event. Because I value my family and friends, I miss the freedom to meet them. Because I love acting on plans, I grieved the loss of my original business strategy.
Reframing losses as values helps us see that our emotions do not make us miserable. Instead, they highlight that something important and valuable is at stake. And that understanding motivates us to make a recovery plan, which is the third step in Emotional Logic.
For each named loss, I can make a value-driven plan to recover that loss. Hear the nuance: I don’t want to just recover FROM the loss; I want to GET BACK what I lost whenever possible. The recovery plan allows me to reconnect with the world around me based on my values.
Don’t start with the hardest loss, though. Start with an easier loss. You will find that focusing on smaller losses often helps you recover more significant losses at the same time.
It might take a while to recover some of those losses.
The long journey of recovering the loss of trust after the Berlin Wall fell began once I understood that I need to stop transferring my mistrust from one situation to another. Recognising this pattern gave me back the ability to choose to trust, even if it is risky. The energy to take that risk comes from the deep conviction that trust is important to me.
During the pandemic, I dived deep into Emotional Logic and qualified as a coach. And I am fulfilled and happy because it is a skill that keeps giving. This work transformed my marriage, and I am now providing my 7-year-old with skills and resources that took me half a lifetime to acquire. I also have the pleasure of helping others to experience the same transformation and emotional liberation as they discover the purpose of their emotions, the value of their losses, and the beauty of taking action to recover those losses.
If you want to untangle your emotional chaos, book a discovery chat.
