In today’s world, it’s not uncommon to hear someone being labelled as “toxic.” Whether it’s a difficult coworker, a challenging family member, or an ex-partner, the label is often thrown around as a way to describe someone who is causing harm to those around them.
But what if we took a different approach? What if, instead of labelling someone as toxic, we chose to see them as a person who is crying out for love, support, and understanding? What if we chose compassion instead of judgment?
Compassion is a powerful tool that can help us move beyond the label of “toxic” and see people for who they truly are. It allows us to recognise that behind difficult behaviour, there is often a broken heart or unmet need. By choosing compassion, we can help others feel seen, heard, and loved.
But how do we cultivate compassion in ourselves? It starts with looking inward and recognising that we, too, have flaws and make mistakes. It’s important to acknowledge that we have been in situations where we may have hurt others, intentionally or unintentionally.
Many argue that recognising our own imperfections makes it easier to extend empathy and kindness to others. However, there is a vital step missing in this argument. Asking someone who has been hurt to show compassion towards their perpetrator is an incompassionate approach. It is like asking someone to pour water from an empty bucket and then being disappointed that there was no water. When we demand behaviour change without allowing for inner growth and healing, we show a lack of compassion and understanding.
For those of you who have been hurt, it’s understandable that you want to show compassion to those who have been through struggles similar to yours. However, it’s important to take care of yourself first before reaching out to help others. When we try to help from a place of hurt, it can lead to compassion fatigue and negatively impact our confidence and self-belief. Remember to be kind to yourself. Take the time to heal before extending a helping hand to others.
Compassion flourishes where it is given. It thrives in an environment where healing and forgiveness are practised. Until a few years ago, my wife did not consider me empathetic or compassionate. When she expressed that opinion, I disagreed with her; I had a strong desire for her to become the best version of herself and to grow and heal. However, instead of showing compassion, I judged her emotions and demanded that she change her behaviour. But after I had an emotional breakdown about six years ago, others showed me compassion. They provided me with a safe space to disintegrate and gather the pieces of my heart, allowing me to rediscover and restore it.
Reading Brené Brown’s take on empathy in Dare to Lead made me realise that I did not have empathy or compassion. However, my continuous journey of inner healing and restoration prepared the soil in my heart for the seed of compassion to grow. It was my own healing that opened my eyes to the pain of others and gave me the stability not to feel threatened by bad behaviour.
Cultivating compassion takes practice, patience, and consistency by working through our own inner chaos. But the rewards are worth it. From a place of healing and forgiveness, we can freely choose compassion. From a place of inner freedom, we create a safe space for others to be vulnerable and share their struggles. Compassion freely given from the whole heart builds stronger relationships and creates a sense of community based on empathy and understanding.
So, the next time you encounter someone who is exhibiting challenging behaviour, try to see them through a lens of compassion. If you struggle with that, then don’t put yourself down. Find a place where you can receive the compassion you need. At the same time, though, remember that behind the behaviour is a person who is crying out for love and understanding. By choosing compassion, we can help them feel seen, heard, and loved, and in the process, we can create a more compassionate world for all.
